KNOWLEDGE IS A DEADLY FRIEND, IF NO-ONE SETS THE RULES
THE FATE OF ALL MANKIND I FEAR, IS IN THE HANDS OF FOOLS
It is late, an alcohol fuelled corpulent man is doing his best impression of Greg Lake and belting out the above (Epitaph by King Crimson). His mucus racked lungs cannot provide the tidal flow to hold the sustained note on the word “fools” and consequently his voice fractures into a wheezy warble. He has a chest infection but valiantly takes the microphone to start karaoke night on board the RV Samatha moored somewhere on the Irrawaddy in Myanmar; he is also wearing a skirt…. Fast forward 4 months; the venue is now the MV Xperience floating on the equator in the Pacific ocean.
Onto the “stage” two pensioners, both heavily lubricated with palliative cocktails, start their performance. One is bewailing “I’m a Believer” (Monkees, written by Neil Diamond) whilst the other interprets the caterwauling with modern dance. Neither is wearing a skirt!
Our first adventure this year was a cruise on the Irrawaddy from Mandalay to Yangon (formerly Rangoon) on a wonderful boat run by APT (Australia-Pacific tours). We guessed it was going to be good when we were picked up by a chauffeur to take us to Heathrow. We managed a few days in Bangkok first to overcome the jet-lag then flew to Mandalay to join the boat. It was excellent; the cabin was big, well designed and the food was incredible, the average weight gain in 2 weeks was 4kg. They had a private dining lounge where you could try a tasting menu from Luc Ngyen (a welsh chef, from the valleys no doubt). We went twice to try both menus and it was superb. The only downside was the number of Aussies on board and having remind them daily that we were stuffing them in the Ashes was disheartening, if not enjoyable. However they got their own back by supplying me with a mind altering drug – Vegemite! I am now totally hooked on this bacteria poo and was close to cold turkey before we found a supplier in the UK. I had to delve into many different coloured markets before finding a jar of it on the black one. Thankfully after weeks of therapy I have reduced my intake and am supplementing my hankering with medically prescribed marmite.
RV SAMANTHA
MV XPERIENCE
Epitaph – Adrian style
Quirinus Quirrell and Nymphadora Tonks (3rd Annual Death Eaters ball)
On this American cruise only the English, Irish and Canadian passengers participated in the Karaoke evening
Quito – just desserts
The cruise was fascinating; we both managed the 777 steps to the top of Mount Popa (barefoot of course) from where the view was magnificent, if misty. The steps are patrolled by sentient macaques that steal anything not physically tied down, they also poo on the steps!!
One of the many shrines along the 777 steps to the top of Mt Popa
Survivors of the Mount Popa expedition.
One highlight was a visit to a village that had been badly damaged by the last monsoon, many buildings including the temple were washed away down the Irrawady. The whole village came out to greet us and soon we had a posse of children on each hand to show us around. We visited the school where Jane and I donated some fabulous posters we had bought at a local market the day before, plus some pens, rulers and throwing chalk for the teachers. On my way round I noted that posse girl no 2 (RHS, second in) kept stopping and realised
her flip flop was neither flipping nor flopping. On a previous trip we met two sisters who shared one pair of flip-flops and I couldn’t let that happen again, so we stopped at the village supershack. A few gesticulations and mime worthy of Marcel Marceau, the shop owner went out the back and returned with a large bag of shoes. Posse girl no 2 was confused I had bought her new shoes but soon worked it out and pointed at posse boy no 3 (her little brother)……he got new shoes too. Fifteen pairs of new shoes later my new, somewhat extended, posse and I carried on.
Spot the Ball competition; where do you think the takraw ball is?
Between the non-mastication periods on board we had some “entertainment”. One day we had to go in small teams to a local market and buy a selection of vegetables with the equivalent of £2 in Kyats. Our shopping list was in phonetic Burmese, so you can guess the fun we had “communicating” with the locals. We managed all of our list, apart from “pain hcaim” which was out of season, we replaced it with see nhiannpaann see and some joet thee….yummy!
Nan Ket welcome party
The next day was a fashion show where we all had to dress in the local attire. This meant wearing a skirt (aka a lunghi) which is basically a large tube of cloth (sort of table runner sown together at the ends) that you “knot” around your waist. Thankfully the local market had an “Evans” (apparel for the fuller figure) and we managed to find one in our sizes (extra generous). Keeping them on is an art and even the locals re-adjust them periodically, I had to be re-adjusted several times and the easiest way is for a crew member to do this from behind…I am very secure in my masculinity! Karaoke wearing a Lunghi…………… should be on everyone’s list of things to do before you die.
Our second adventure was different from the norm. For a start the plane turned right instead of left from Heathrow and we ended up in Eck-wah-dor in the city of Quito. An interesting city, around 10,000 ft above sea level and surrounded by mountains and volcanoes (some still active); meanwhile large gorges assured an interesting but very good road structure. It is also on the equator, and we both straddled it and marvelled at the strange physical phenomena it possesses.
From Eck-wah-dor we flew to Baltra, an ex-American airbase on one of the Galapagos islands. There we boarded the Celebrity Xperience (I am now a celebrity…the Karaoke went viral) and spent the next week cruising around the islands. Terribly strict, our bags were searched on both the way in and way out to check for non-indigenous flora and fauna and for any indigenous souvenirs one might have picked up on a beach. The wildlife is extremely tame and does not run away, however, you must remain at least 2 metres (78 and 12/16ths inches for the elderly amongst you) at all times from said wildlife. Obviously no feeding, no littering and even breaking wind was frowned on.
It was incredible…. to be so close to nature that totally ignores you (apart from Lava Lizards, they broke the 2M rule, looked at you , decided you were too big to eat and buggered off) is truly amazing. You felt like you were David Attenborough or some BBC wildlife documentary. I have never seen so many boobies since Episode 3, season 4 of Game of Thrones. My favourites are the giant tortoises, they just wander around the island and as it is very illegal (punishable by death or worse) to kill any wildlife, vehicle drivers have to wait while they cross the road or even stop for hours if one plonks itself down in front of you. Jane has taken so many photos we have had to buy banks of extra data storage, her camera got lens fatigue! We have been so busy this year Jane hasn’t yet had time to sort the photos yet, but there are a few below;
Adventure number 3 was back to Phuket and Bangkok for some R&R although it did turn out to be more of a problem solving course.
1. The taxi driver taking us to the airport got his dates wrong, so he didn’t turn up as planned and after some frantic phone calls he managed to get us to Heathrow just in time.
2. Ever had a shower when you wee??? we did at 2:00 am in our Phuket apartment as the air-con decided to leak just above the toilet. We got to know the engineers quite well that night & the next day & the day after.
3. Our friend, Kim, who we took with us, managed to lock herself out of her room whilst photographing a stentorian thunderstorm. I wondered who was banging on the door after bedtime ……. by now reception had us on speed dial.
4. Kim decided to buy a sink….typical souvenir when you go abroad!! Luckily she managed to shield it from the hard ground by positioning herself under it during a complicated falling over routine in a thunderstorm …. sink fine, one rib cracked.
5, Finally to add to the drama, I realised halfway to the airport for the homeward flight that my jacket was still in the hotel room. Turning back in Bangkok traffic is just daft so some Thai/ English mime persuaded the taxi driver to phone the hotel and my jacket is waiting for me in Bangkok.
Meanwhile back home, this year has been wonderfully hot although the cold spell in March was catastrophic for our frog colony. We lost over 30 breeding frogs and we thought we would have a barren spawning. Well some survived and we ended up with kilos of the stuff. A jolly good dollop was put into the Polywoggery and so far we have graduated over 500 hundred polywogs. We still have lots of polywogs left and some will hibernate over winter; apparently crowding and over feeding can delay metamorphosis. Before you dash off to complain about racism, a polywog is an old English term for a tadpole, it is derived from Pol (head) and wiglen (to wriggle), the modern spelling is from the 1830’s replacing Polywigge (isn’t learning fun!, you have been edumacated). Frogs and newts (originally from an ewte, 15th century) abound but a poorer year for Dragonflies, a few southern hawkers and a few common darters only.
The lawns at Jarco mansions have alopecia so the Jethro Tull seed drill may have to be resurrected next spring. We have added an extra 4 water butts around the North, West and South wings and our water storing capacity now entitles us to “moat” status and as such qualifies for an EU grant. Why wasn’t this mentioned during the referendum? I don’t remember the privileged losing out to the gain of the British taxpayer being a main decision platform (disgraceful!) (That’s enough politics- Ed).
Jane and I have had a DNA test (voluntarily and not enforced by PC Plod) to see where we originated; Jane is mostly British, Scottish and a bit of Viking – well what would you expect for a fair-skinned once redhead, whilst Adrian is part Asgardian, Vahallian, 10% chocolate, 7% alcohol, 23% alien and 1% Asian. I haven’t a clue where the Asian bit comes from but does explain why I feel “at home” in Thailand, perhaps I am the descendant of a love child of Rama 1?
Jarco marches on and if you were lucky you just might have caught me on Bargain Hunt where I had clear speaking role selling an accordion to some clueless contestants. I made a profit, they made a loss!
That’s it for 2018, who knows what 2019 will bring but according to Mark Carney this time next year we will all be starving, oxygen will be in short supply and the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse will be appearing on Strictly ( I bet Anton will get Death).
With best wishes for Christmas and the New Year.
Play nicely, Adrian and Jane